A love letter to my family

猶豫很久終於決定分享。

除了表明這是認真我邊寫邊哭而他們邊讀邊哭的信，以及英翻中好像還是稍異於原本華語書寫風格，讀起來有點怪腔怪調之外，我無法多說什麼了。

This is a take home essay I wrote for course 3211 at ISS in March, 2023.

Dear Mom, Dad, and little sister:

親愛的爸媽和妹妹，

I am writing this letter as an assignment for a course called Decoloniality in the Development Research context. I want to share more details about my study through this chance. I will translate and explain it to you afterward, as I told Mom during our phone call.

我正在寫「發展研究脈絡裡的去殖民性」的課堂作業。趁這機會，想和你們多分享關於我在學的東西。如同已在電話裡向媽提及的，之後會再為你們翻譯解釋。

Since starting the deep search for myself, my journey of reconnection also began, which I noticed much later. I was not totally aware of how all the earlier disconnections happened. Yet, I am clear enough about how I have reached this point, where restoring and enhancing relationships with love and care merges into my academic journey on a slightly broader scale. Talking about relationality as a core in this stage of studying means that I must be clear about who I am, from where I am linking and speaking, and why I arrive here; I must locate my positionality in the research context.

自從開始深探自己，我重新建立連結的旅程也開始啟動，而我到更後來才意識到這件事。我不完全知道先前所有連結的斷裂是怎麼發生的，但夠清楚自己如何行至此處。用愛和關懷更大規模地修復並加強關係這件事情，融入我的學術旅途。現階段的學習以關聯性作為核心，意指我必須明瞭我是誰、我連結和說話時的立足點，以及我為什麼抵達這裡；在研究脈絡中，我必須錨定自己的位置性。

Thus, first of all, sorry, Mom, I have to begin by mentioning my wound, which still hurts sometimes, as you tried so hard to trap me within the norm of being an ordinary Taiwanese female. But no worries, I have been healing myself; soon, it will not hurt anymore. And I know you hurt, too. More importantly, please highlight that I appreciate your ability to love and care, which I have started learning from and will always take with me. Dad, thanks for your stableness, intrinsic health and decency, and lack of patriarchal ideology. Sister, we are still working on our relationship — — reflecting on it, I see myself acted as a patriarchal being, operated oppression and disconnection without self-awareness as a child and teenager. I am absolutely sorry. Being born relatively privileged with some characters fitting the existing dominant system made me blind and arrogant until it also traumatized me, and I recognized the whole ridiculousness even later.

因此，首先，抱歉了媽媽，我得以偶爾仍隱隱作痛的傷口為開頭，因妳曾那麼努力想把我困在所謂台灣女性的常規中。但不用擔心，我一直在自我療癒，很快就不會再痛。我知道妳也受傷。更重要的是，請謹記我感激妳愛和關懷的能力，而開始向妳學習，並將一直攜帶同行。老爸，謝謝你的穩定、內建的健康與正直，又沒什麼父權意識形態。妹妹，我們還在為之間的關係努力 — — 由此反省，我看見兒童和青少年時期的自己行為中的父權，不自知地造成壓迫和斷裂。真的非常對不起。出生即擁有一些相對優勢特質讓我較能適應既存主流系統，使我目盲自大，直到系統也挫創我，然後更晚才理解，這一切有多荒謬可笑。

In my opinion, the dominant system in Taiwan is significantly influenced by coloniality, consisting mainly of two associated layers. The first is the colonization before and after World War 2 by Japan and KMT. The second is Western modernity, which has been enhanced by the geopolitical relationship with the US since Cold War. Coloniality forms the mainstream hierarchical social structure according to ethnic groups, of which Westerners over Mainlanders over Native Taiwanese over the indigenous; this intersects with gender. However, I am relatively in doubt about the origin of gender inequality in Taiwan’s context.

我認為台灣的主流系統，首要被兩層殖民遺毒劇烈影響。第一層是二戰前後，日本和國民黨殖民統治；第二層則是自冷戰起因地緣政治、與美國的關係而加強的西方現代性。殖民性根據民族形塑主流社會階級結構，大致上西方白人高於外省人高於本土台灣人再高於原住民，並交錯以性別。但我也還對臺灣性別不平等的起源抱持疑問。

So far, I have found it difficult to appropriately mention humans’ exploitation of non-human-others in the Anthropocene/Capitalocene we live. I hope you would understand through this one sentence that being human is also a role needed to be considered while we have bought enormous impact on Earth. Ignorantly following the systematic norms is already causing harm and oppression. We, Native Taiwanese humans, have been reproducing injustice while we ourselves have been treated unjustly as well. Although inevitably being limited and influenced by the social location we are based in (Patel, 2016), it is necessary to know, think and sense as much as possible — — and the idea that “otherwise, we could take part of the banality of evil (Arendt, 1963)” always follows.

目前為止，我發現很難妥當地提及現居的人類世/資本世中人類對非人類他者的剝削。我希望你們從這短短一個句子就能了解，當已經對地球造成莫大影響，身而為人也是個必須考量的角色。無知地跟隨系統常規，已即傷害壓迫。我們，本土台灣人類，一直在重複生產不正義，同時也被不正義地對待著。即便無可避免地受限或被影響於所立基的社會位置，盡所能去知道、思考、感受依然是必要的 — — 每想到這，腦中總跟著冒出「否則我們也許會參與平庸之惡」。

I might be the first person in our family who explicitly confronts the dominant system with familial pressure. The impulse to scream still occasionally rises inside me: “You rejected to listen! You refused to understand! You stood with the system and against me! I was so mad and sad that I had to fight you all!!!” From the previous paragraphs, if you can feel the tone of my writing, it was sometimes harsh. That means I felt pain when I wrote, triggered either by my struggles or mistakes in the past. Besides, I probably sound like a teacher; but that is my desire for you to know me deeper. I am glad to tell you that the following paragraphs will mostly be in a joyful tone because I had fortunately stopped seeking separation and turned towards reconnections. We love each other, after all. We reconcile. We would not abandon each other.

我或許是家裡第一個公然反抗主流系統和家族壓力的人。尖叫的衝動偶爾仍自體內升起：「你們不願傾聽！你們拒絕理解！你們和系統站一起而與我對立！我得連你們都反抗，我好生氣好難過！！！」從前面段落，如果你們能感受到我書寫的語氣有時比較嚴厲，那是因為寫的同時，痛苦感被我過往的掙扎及犯下的錯激起。此外，我大概還聽起來像在說教，但那是由於我渴望你們更懂我。還好可以高興地告訴你們，接下來的段落大多都滿開心，因為很幸運地，我停止追求分離，而轉向重新連結。畢竟我們相愛，我們和解，我們不會彼此遺棄。

I am now very grateful for the coherence between my (psychological and physical) feelings and thoughts. My connections with nature and with family are rebuilt strong enough for me to walk on the path I sincerely like and want. I am practicing taking the responsibilities of being myself, a human on Earth rooted in Taiwan, a daughter, and a sister. Moreover, I am also learning to be a researcher who studies primarily by heart, avoids reproducing oppression through research, and challenges the existing hegemony as much as possible. I am trying to co-deconstruct the system, hoping no one will suffer from it anymore.

現在非常感激我身心感受與念頭間的和諧。我與自然、與家人的連結已重建得足夠強健，讓我能走在真心喜歡且想要的路上。我在練習有責任感地做自己，作為根扎臺灣的地球人、一位女兒、一個姊姊。我也在學習成為一個以心學習的研究者，避免透過研究而生的壓迫，也盡所能地挑戰現有霸權。我在嘗試一起解構系統，希望不會再有它帶來的苦痛。

My critiques of the current era are often my self-critiques of the previous version of me, who wrongly valued rationality over sensibility, competitiveness over collaboration, and independence over relations. I am also reconciling with myself. I hope my own change provides a tiny proof that the world can also change. Would you join me? Let us make our life and world better, not through violence or the logic of powering over, but through nurturing something warmer, softer and more resilient.

我對現世的批判，往往來自我對上個版本的自己的批判，那曾經錯誤地重視理性勝於感性、競爭勝於合作，以及獨立勝於關聯的我。我也尚在自我和解中。希望我自身的改變，可以為這世界有潛能改變，提供一枚渺小證明。你們會加入我嗎？讓我們造出更好的生活和世界，不經由暴力或支配的邏輯，而是孕育某種更溫暖、更柔軟且更堅韌的東西。

As you already know, I am very excited about my upcoming thesis. Thanks to Wendy for providing perfectly matched ideas! I want to tell you more! It will be my first attempt at initiating co-creation, combining the accountability mentioned above. In the following text, I will call it “she/her” since crucial feminist elements such as love, relations and care will be at the center. It would take about nine months from the moment I knew she is coming to Earth to her birth. She will be my first non-human daughter! Her provisional name is Designing for the Pluriverse from Now to the Future: Storying and Connecting More-than-human Kin in Taiwan. I already started loving her! She will be born with my political commitment to more-than-human ecologies in Taiwan. As she grows, she will become even stronger and more tender, and send her love to the world.

如你們所知，我對快要開始的論文感到非常興奮。感謝Wendy提供剛好契合的點子！這將是我首次嘗試發起共創，結合前述要擔起的責任。在接下來的內文，我會叫論文「她」，因其核心為女性主義相關元素：愛、關係、關懷。從我知道她即將降生，到她真正出生也剛好是九個月。她會是我第一個非人類女兒！她暫定的名稱是《為多重宇宙設計：故事化並連結臺灣的非獨人類親族》。我已經開始愛她。她的誕生中蘊含我對臺灣非獨人類生態的政治許諾。她會越長越溫柔強壯，並傳遞愛給世界。

I will invite my Taiwanese friends and acquaintances who have been taking care of their more-than-human kin to be my daughter’s parents together. The list I have in mind includes at least: one anthropologist/farmer, one environmental NGO member/electronic musician, two indigenous friends who do cultural-ecological works in their communities, and one neighbor who does urban farming. If they agree, I will participate in their daily activities more closely for several days, and let the interactions naturally happen. Thinking about knowing them deeper and learning from them, traveling between their worlds with playfulness (Lugones, 1987) through sentipensar (Escobar, 2020) makes me feel bright and happy.

我會邀請幾個在臺灣持續照顧他們的非獨人類親族的舊識，一起當我女兒的父母。我腦中的清單，包含一位農人兼人類學家、一個電子音樂家兼環團成員、兩位在自己部落做生態文化工作的原住民朋友，以及一個在都市耕作的鄰居。若他們答應，我將近距離參與他們的日常活動幾天，讓互動自然發生。光是想著能開啟覺察感知地在他們的世界裡旅行玩耍，更認識他們、向他們學習，心情就明亮愉快。

Here, I need to jump back to the past. I had been more science-oriented since childhood and got two degrees of Bachelor of Science. However, I already felt too uncomfortable when being required to use quantitative data as the primary research approach, to simplify people into numbers, and present it as if I am an objective, emotionless researcher who only draw conclusions from statistics when I studied psychology. I imagined psychology should focus on people’s inner world, but no! In mainstream Westerner psychology, the numbers play the most significant role! Feeling of fakeness bothered me during the process, I had to force myself to complete my bachelor thesis while being eager to challenge this kind of research; and now, here I am.

於此，我還得跳回到過去一下子。我從小就比較科學傾向，拿了兩個理科學士學位。但在讀心理系期間，被要求使用量化數據做為首要研究方法、將人簡化成數字，並呈現以一個客觀、不帶情緒、只看統計數據作結論的研究者角度，已經讓我大感不適。我曾想像心理學應該著重在人們的內在世界，卻不是！在主流西方心理學中，數字才是重點！過程中的虛偽感困擾著我，我邊渴望挑戰這種研究，邊得逼著自己完成學士論文；然後，我來到這裡。

Using Mignolo’s words (2021), I will do an investigation rather than research, since the context of “research” is often referred to exploitative systematic processes to produce exclusive “facts”. Investigation means discovering different, marginal or covered stories and embracing the fact that everyone can define their own worldview and well-being. This can be linked with the concept of pluriverse by Escobar (2020). I will do my best to facilitate the flow of knowledge and power among us with high awareness, keep the dynamics just and equal, dealing with all the complexity, and coordinate the design of our vision for the future. I am really looking forward to the stronger web of connections, and the unknown blueprint we are going to make. My investigation may not be easy, but it will definitely be enjoyable!

借用Mingnolo的話，與其說研究，我打算進行的是調查，因為「研究」一詞往往涉及產出排他「事實」的系統性剝削過程。調查則指稱去發掘不同的、邊緣的或被掩蓋的故事，並擁抱可以有各式不同世界觀與幸福的事實。這則能連結到Escobar所言的多重宇宙。我將盡力在保持高覺知的狀態下，促進知識與權力正當平等地流動。真的很期待更堅韌的網絡，以及我們將一起共譜的藍圖。調查或許不容易，但一定會是種享受！

I want to end this letter by emphasizing joy. Joy emerges from the bottom of our hearts, which could dissolve the unceasing feeling of unfulfillment, could end the anxious urge to chase for more. The illusion of unsatisfaction is nurturing the current dominant system and causing devastation. Sister, if you also want to change the world, would you calm down first and find true joy for yourself? Mom, Dad and I would love to see that. We will be able to empower-with more people through spreading the possibility of (re)discovering profound, peaceful happiness. We could lessen the default damages by choosing another way that is not the same structure as the mainstream one. We could co-create pluriverse with love, care, honesty and sincerity.

我想強調喜樂來作為這封信的結尾。喜樂湧自心底，可能溶解無止盡的未完滿、可能終結追求更多的焦慮。不滿足的幻象正滋養現今主流系統，並導致災禍。妹妹，如果妳也想改變世界，能不能先靜下來為自己找到真正的喜樂？爸媽和我會很樂見其成。我們可以透過分享（重新）發現深刻平靜及快樂的可能性，與更多人一同長出力量。我們可以透過選擇主流結構外的另一條路來減輕預設之傷害。我們可以用愛、關懷、誠實與懇切來共創多重宇宙。

We can do it, no matter how long it takes.

我們做得到，不論得花上多少時間。

All my love,

獻上所有的愛，

Ting Yi

亭嬑

References

Arendt, H. (1963) A Report on the Banality of Evil. London: Faber.

Escobar, A. (2020) Pluriversal politics: The real and the possible. Durham and London: Duke University Press.

Lugones María (1987) ‘Playfulness, “World”-Travelling, and Loving Perception’, Hypatia, 2(2), pp. 3–19.

Mignolo Walter (2021) The politics of decolonial investigations. Durham: Duke University Press.

Patel, L. (2016) ‘Research as Relational’, in Patel, L. Decolonizing Educational Research. New York: Routledge, pp. 48–70.