Me and decolonial methodologies
This is a take home essay I wrote for course 3211 at ISS in May, 2023.
The most interesting thing about living life is probably clarifying the lessons to be learned at the moment; I like seeing them reveal themselves in front of me while walking on my path. I am following abstract clues that cannot be thoroughly described. Sometimes it is just a fast and elusive intuition of feeling right, and sometimes it is such a strong sense that goes through my whole body, mainly stays around my chest, and I have to digest and translate it in my mind for a while. Usually, in the latter situation, the feeling of being touched comes first, and then it becomes more complex, thrilling me with fear and gratefulness.
Through experiences, I know I would be the most scared when choosing the most important options I genuinely love or desire. Therefore, when this kind of feeling emerges, I know which direction to go, but my destination is unknown. When getting into this stage of my life, meaning studying at ISS and learning academic languages, I thought it was so important that I would be willing to inject all my attention and effort; I must not fail. Then, my life has been divulging itself beyond my expectation. There are sparkling moments, when my individual choices display their associations with each other, and show a new beautiful picture as a whole that I did not plan to see. I feel like a positively overwhelmed, flattered child who receives unexpected, amazing gifts — — gifts especially for me that are more wonderful than I could have asked for.
The combination of my course choices has been one of my gifts. Global Political Ecology provided knowledge and theoretical frameworks that really interest me; Decoloniality in the Development Research Context offered examples of going beyond the dominant ways of research, and taking a more active role to do justice while studying. I chose Governance and Development Policy as my major by clarifying my feelings and intuitions, too. If I need to translate them in short, the reason would be that institutional changes are influential in the current world, and I feel right when imagining myself co-making institutions different from the dominant ones, that are more just, inclusive, and less human-centric. I hope to find and present assisting tools for the transition towards freedom for all beings.
My major course in this term, Policy Analysis and Design, conveyed linear-logical perspectives about making a policy proposal as a policy analyst. I liked listening to the classes and knowing the structure, but the required assignment has made me struggle. Interestingly, I see where I can legitimately intervene in that standard structure. It is nearly the last part of the course and the policy proposal we need to write, called scenario analysis, where the policy analyst should tell stories about the imaginary futures that are quite unlikely but possible to happen after implementing each policy alternative. Scenarios mean the risk of dramatic happenings, but the risk can be hope. I see the opportunity of communicating with and perhaps influencing the conventional policy making processes through storying.
Moreover, the feeling that courses in the next term will also fit well with my study is becoming stronger and more evident. At this moment, I cannot be totally sure about the implied statement I just wrote; but if being bold enough, I could almost say: it will come true. These choices were made before I had any concrete idea about my thesis. They have been welcoming me with what I need for my research paper, my first upcoming non-human daughter, Designing for the Pluriverse from Now to the Future: Storying and Connecting More-than-human Kin in Taiwan. My paper will be a she/her due to crucial feminist features of love, care and relations.
The immediate answers to the questions about what I want to understand or learn, and why I choose the methodologies from this course I will use, are not academic. Principally, I am eager to understand and learn how I, as a being with a specific positionality that constantly links and moves, can interact with my inner self and my surroundings in the best ways at every moment. Ways that could be small drives for a world to become equal, just, free and harmonious. Narrowing down to academic learning, my present tasks would be exploring how to sincerely express my political commitment to the world through writing and other cognitive-behavioral practices, while the praxis should be challenging the existing unjust academic hegemony.
Another ongoing task of mine is about relationality. I imagine if we all start with building relationships with whom we feel the most comfortable being with, each of us could be a joint, spreading out our love and care interconnectedly. Already (re)connected with myself, nature, and my parents, I have started to open up and get closer to others more recently. Since knowing my non-human daughter is coming to Earth, I began to look forward to strengthening my web of relations and experimenting with kin-making while nurturing her before her birth.
My daughter is actually not mine; she would have several parents. I contacted Wendy Harcourt when I only had a vague direction of combining feminist political ecology with policies in Taiwan, and addressing non-human actors. I sent her a letter of short self-description before having a conversation in person, and she suggested pluriverse and relationality in reply. “The Daughter” started taking shape during Wendy and I had a walk in Scheveningse Bosjes. To answer Wendy’s question, I told the list of friends/acquaintances I would love to collaborate with more closely but could not imagine how to conduct it in practice. Then, Wendy pointed out that possibility to me. All of these perfectly fit!
As already mentioned in my previous assignment, I plan to invite “one anthropologist/farmer, one environmental NGO member/electronic musician, two indigenous friends who do cultural-ecological works in their communities, and one neighbor who does urban farming” (Wu, 2023, p. 3) to be parents together with me. A decolonial investigation (Mignolo, 2021) will form the cells of The Daughter. Avoiding the term “research” is to avoid its implication of exploitive processes and its hegemony to claim exclusive facts. Different worldviews and stories at the border will be embraced in an investigation. As an investigator, I first ask: How to address the lack of voice from those who are marginal to dominant policy-making in different Taiwan ecologies? How does power and knowledge flow during the processes? How do we feel when involving in each other’s life? What do we learn and unlearn through interactions? As a living being, I further ask: How to make more-than-human kin? How to co-create a better homeland and a better world on Earth?
The lines mentioned above of my current lessons and tasks weave themselves into the methodological choices for her, naming sentipensar (Escobar, 2020) and world-travelling (Lugones, 1987). I also considered including holding space by Cairo (2021) but eventually decided it would not be appropriate to take that concept. It is due to my understanding of it as a communal praxis by a group of connected people; I am not in any of such community. Nonetheless, I should already be acceptive and non-judgmental enough to o hold a private safe space by sincerely listening and making individuals feel comfortable to express themselves.
I have been crossing and moving, have been incompletely, remotely loving and linking, more like an individuated nomad who would travel back to certain places and meet people I am fond of but could rarely feel very close with. My characters have been more suitable for joining between varieties. In the class of world-travelling (Lugones, 1987), we were asked about the world we embody, and I could not answer. Yet, I am now hoping to feel and know how strong and resilient the bonds can be for a border wanderer. The fact that I have never felt I belong to any homogeneous group as an insider, but have self-recognized as a bridge-being, makes world-travelling a fitting approach for me.
My understanding of a “world” in the context of Lugones’ notion of world-travelling is that, when I try to enter another world truly, I would have to break the border that was built by my assumption or perception of that specific set of people and space/environment, to see them from within their worlds. If imagining my arrogant perception as a physical brick wall, there would be bricks that I prepared to take out or replace, and also bricks that I would explicitly or implicitly maintain since they guard something I think is right or important. Actually, I can moderately recall the feeling of trying to remove “arrogant perception” (Lugones, 1987, p. 4), which was more obvious when I first started exploring more worlds and have been gradually decreased while trying to assume myself to be ignorant about other worlds.
Not until this moment had I gladly realized that removing arrogant perception is to unguard. Living unguarded means trusting my world can be safe, which might be the most challenging lesson of life I should learn. Once I did it, I could share the possibility with others that their worlds could also be safe. I want to unguard because I want to transcend my fear, I want freedom. I am to keep my heart open, be vulnerable, let things flow and present themselves, and I accept, respond, or follow. Smaller tasks would come to me so that I could practice and complete my life lessons. Replacing arrogant perception with loving perception is to enter one’s world and see one shines within there (Lugones, 1987). I think loving perception also includes seeing and understanding that others are dealing with their current tasks in their worlds, which are different from mine. World-travelling and connecting worlds is to take part in each other’s current task, accompany each other for a while, and loving perception would allow me to be a good companion.
Among the worlds I encounter, I have gone through the stages of “no playfulness” to “unable to express playfulness comfortably” and to “can naturally express playfulness in some occasions”, resonating with what Lugones said, “lack of playfulness is not symptomatic of lack of ease but of lack of health. I am not a healthy being in the ‘worlds’ that construct me unplayful” (1987, p. 14). It is very sad that I and many others were taught that real, important things in our life, such as formal education or jobs, should be serious and without fun since a young age; playfulness is a luxury that can always wait behind. I spent over fifteen years to really believe it was not true. Real important things should be enjoyable — — my upcoming investigation would also be an experiment for enhancing this belief.
Like Lugones, I am also “a plurality of selves” (1987, p. 14). I have been aware of me automatically behaving in different modes in different worlds, even though I wish I could always be consistent. At this point, a new layer of understanding appears, about why I want to always be consistent and what it means, thanks to this assignment and Lugones. The awareness of my need to be honest and consistent came from my realization of the strong uneasy feeling if I do not or cannot do so. According to the previous discussion about world-travelling, if I can always maintain my consistency, it would mean that the worlds I travel to can also be safe, and I am a united, healthy being interacting with the pluriverse with honesty, love and joy. Are we not trying to reveal such fantastic hope and prove it can be real?
During my investigation, I would definitely world-travel through sentipensar (Escobar, 2020). However, I still doubt whether to use the term “sentipensar”, which was created with Spanish (a language I do not know), and its original context is in Latin American, from the indigenous. I feel neither enough related nor qualified to take it. On the other hand, I have been practicing to sense-think in daily life for some time without giving it a fixed name. Regardless of the word used, the essence of this concept is to fully engage with the world we are in. It means integrating our physical and mental, even spiritual senses, as well as the received information, during interacting with more-than-humans. While still considering whether to take the term sentipensar in the academic setting, I want to use “sense-think” in my own context. I will explain my journey of developing and doing my version of sensing-thinking and how it could perform as a methodology together with world-travelling in my upcoming investigation.
My exploration of sensing-thinking started from being torn apart by the incoherence of my emotions and thoughts. For a long time, I chose to follow segments of logical reasoning — — only focus on handling one incident at once and ignore what is before and after that incident — — being rational comes relatively natural to me and is also how the dominant system operates, thus my rationality got reinforced by rewards. I tried to suppress my sentiments and functioned according to what I thought should be done, in order to achieve some goals set by existing institutions but not by my heart, until I could not find any energy to do so. Moreover, I realized there were certain things I could not quit even though they did not seem to make sense back then, such as keeping loving and caring for someone who hurt me and did not care that much more than once. I was seriously troubled by my behavior not being in line with my logical reasoning, and finally drew the conclusion that love is fundamental, is the most powerful. Love flows itself, and is not something I can or should control.
In addition, I somehow noticed the repeating patterns of similar occurrences linking with familiar feelings in my life, so I began to analyze them and myself. At first, there would be long delays between the happening of an incident and the realization of my own feelings/emotions, and the understanding of the meaning/message that corresponds to the link of the former two. The delays have been decreasing. Now I can usually complete those three steps together during the happenings or in a short time. I have also been practicing to gradually broaden my senses and awareness to engage more deeply with the worlds.
To me, sensing-thinking is the praxis of balance, love and care. I was off balance before doing it, tried to abandon my own heart and body, and prioritized my brain. I obviously enjoy rational thinking; otherwise, I would not have analyzed my life experiences when facing crises, translated my findings into language, and satisfied by all these. Yet, I learned the lesson that balance is essential. I think balance brings health and well-being, to humans and to the whole planet.
When I sense-think, the infinite pluriverse would let me know a little bit more about it and myself. I can occasionally feel vivid, describable or indescribable, various forms of information reveal themselves to me and flow through my whole body simultaneously. The frequency of me being able to understand and translate them into words has been increasing, but sometimes I cannot know. I am so curious! I also cannot answer the question just pop-up in my mind: did I first love the world or first be curious about the world since I was born? As a grown-up, I know I love the world because I tried to ignore or hate it but eventually failed, just like I could not stop loving and caring for certain people. After realizing that so many problems have been regarded as normal, and feeling powerless to change anything in the world, I still could not help finding proper ways to love it.
Sensing-thinking may present a dynamic of knowing by caring, loving by knowing, and caring by loving. If we really love someone, do we not want to know more about he/she/it/they? Then, would we not care about who we love? While writing the above two questions about love in a positive and healthy direction, a ball of energy inside me spread from my heart to my arms and neck. At the same time, some stayed at heart and concentrated, causing a feeling which is partially like mild sunburn, slightly over-heated but not to the level of hurt. This feeling was different from which emerged when I was writing my struggles about love earlier. I would further try to recognize it when a similar feeling arises again and look into what happens at that moment. I refine my translation by repeating the procedures, although refining and turning them into language would simplify the senses and information. For now, a preliminary translation of the above sensing-thinking could be: the longing for loving in healthy, positive direction may partly feel like a sunburn.
I am looking forward to some sunburn in my heart and on my skin during my investigation in Summer. (I did not plan for this conjunctional sentence, but it appeared when I re-read the paragraphs and found there was a gap here! So I added it! I like it pretty much!) Since the potential parents of The Daughter I will invite are people I already know, I can expect some of the environments I will contact with — — the land and the ocean. I can imagine touching the soil, in the forms of mud or clods or dried powder, encountering plants and seeds and some moving creatures within the soil, and my friends might tell me stories about them.
I can imagine walking on reef rocks, following my friend to collect shellfish and crustaceans, and being splashed by the waves lapping on the shore. I tried shore fishing once and maybe no more again, but I would like to go into the sea and feel the water flow while watching my friend hunting underwater. I might have the chance to go to a river while learning from my friend about the natureculture in that area, or to walk on a hillside while picking herbs and listening to the stories there. We would all be very sweaty — — this makes me think of streams! I love to jump and soak in those transparent, shiny, chilly mountainous streams.
I might also be at a party or a live music concert where my friend plays music, or anywhere she gets inspiration or composes her creations, to sense how she senses nature or the Universe. This friend is the one I have had the least interactions with among all five — — we are mainly in contact through the internet and only met in person once. But I somehow feel relatively affinitive with her, knowing from nowhere that we would be able to understand each other well since the first time we talked via Zoom. I already think my feeling has been proven true after two more conversations with her, as she also said it herself. I am really looking forward to all the things that will happen and all the information that will come to me during my investigation!
The combination of world-travelling and sentipensar — — I am using this term since now I travel back in the academic world where “sentipensar” is already more legitimized than “sense-think”, although I am still hesitating which to use for The Daughter — — would be my engagement with the more-than-human kin I will connect, as part of my loving action in the pluriverse. Except for the above-described learning, I am also eager to know deeper about these people I will invite to co-nurture The Daughter. I want to know more details about who they are, what they have been doing, how they do what they are doing, and why they do what they are doing. In other words, I want to see their worlds.
Furthermore, I want to know the differences and similarities of knowledge and practices regarding sustainability/politics/power for each of us, and whether anything changes through my investigation. I want to see how our worlds interact and perhaps would show themselves as a joined new world. I also have to pay much attention to the difficulties and conflicts, to clearly understand how The Daughter is co-nourished and integrated until her birth. Afterwards, I will try to sustain what has been growing from my study, if any. I would love to do some interesting things together as a kin. It could be making a booklet or holding a workshop or any kind of event, as a ceremony to celebrate, and to show my thankfulness for all of these.
Now, I feel like I have nothing more to say. I had done my best to be naked in words, paused myself from the impulsion of shrinking back, and stepped slightly forward. I had injected my love and hope as part of the world(s) by telling what all these mean to me — — the methodologies and the courses I chose, or am choosing, or will choose, are actually the path that has chosen me. Or, maybe I can claim that we choose each other. For these, I am thrilled and grateful. I am sometimes quite shy and scared but more often very curious. I want to experience and understand more. Lastly and most importantly, thank you for entering my world.
References
Cairo, A. (2021) ‘Holding space’, in Holding Space: A storytelling approach to trampling diversity and inclusion, pp. 301–303.
Escobar, A. (2020) Pluriversal politics: The real and the possible. Durham and London: Duke University Press.
Lugones, M. (1987) ‘Playfulness, “World”-Travelling, and Loving Perception’, Hypatia, 2(2), pp. 3–19.
Mignolo, W. (2021) The politics of decolonial investigations. Durham: Duke University Press.
Wu, T. Y. (2023) Assignment for 3211, MA. Development Studies, International Institute of Social Studies of Erasmus University Rotterdam. Unpublished.
